Groaners

Two antennae met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron!" "Are you sure," asks the other? "Yes," says the first, "I'm positive."

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says, "One for me, and one for the road."

Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One asks the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a mussel.

I went to buy some camouflage pants the other day, but couldn't find any.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was stapled to the punk rocker.

A man woke up in the hospital, after a serious accident. "Doctor," he says, "I can't feel my legs!" "I know," replied the doctor. "I've cut off your arms."

"Doctor, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'."
"Sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual..."

A man took his rottweiler to the vet, complaining about crossed eyes. "Is there anything you can do for him," he asks the vet? "Well," says the vet, "let's take a look at him." So he picks up the dog, examines his eyes, and checks his teeth. Finally he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "Why," asks the man, "because he's cross-eyed?" "No," answers the vet, "because he's really heavy."